Saturday, December 8, 2012

Where is the Joy?

So this it not an "Ooo! Merry Christmas, I love decorating and singing Christmas Carols"
Sorry, wrong post. That not what you're going to hear.
Some people might end up saying, "Oh, Emma is such a Grinch, she doesn't like Christmas." If that's you opinion, fine. However it is definitely not how I am trying to come across.  

I was waiting until 'my time of the month' was over for this because I tend to be a bit emotional. Okay VERY emotional. But I think i'm pretty good now. 

So the title says it all. I don't have the Christmas joy. Most years I can't wait to put decorations up and sing carols, all the 'stuff'. This year I'm just kinda 'blahh' about Christmas. I was kinda like, "Oh it's December.. again".

Some of you may know what happened last Christmas. Other may not know, so I'll do a little overview.

Last Christmas we had our Grandparents from Florida, (and Virginia) over. Our house and hearts were full.

However our joy was crushed when we heard Luke died the day after Christmas

Two days after the agency called us my Mom had a seizure in her sleep. 
 Not really a Happy New Year.
So now your caught up, and know all that happened last December.

Okay here is the To Be Honest section.

TBH I have a had a really difficult year.
TBH I was in a depression stage for a while.
TBH I really thought everything was over, my life had fallen apart.

I don't think you really know how it feels when someone losses a close family member unless you've experienced it for yourself. I know I never did.
It like someone takes your heart and rips out part of it.You feel this terrible emptiness.
For some it might be the memories you made together. For me the memories we'll never make together.

Never being able to tell them how much you love them. Never kissing them good-night, and comforting them when they have boo-boos. Never teaching them songs, or reading them stories. These are the things that make my heart ache. 

The ache was SO big a year ago, I thought it would never end.
And I don't think it will end. Because I still ache. Not as much as I did them, but it still hurts.

I had this dream (not joking either), and it was like in heaven, or something. I saw Luke, he was running and jumping, and laughing calling my name. It was SO incredibly sweet, and sad.

Really weird, last year during school. Everyone was at the school table and I looked over, and for a split second I like saw him. He was just sitting at the school table smiling. I'm not even kidding. It was SO weird.

  Another time I was just laying bed and he was there laying next to me. For only a second. 

Maybe I weird. And I little crazy, but it's so true. I saw him.
I've never told anyone about it though.

I started a Pinterest board the other night: Bible Versus & Words of Wisdom  
There were some pins that really spoke to me.

(From Random Board)

(From My Passion Board)

So there were a lot of them.
I guess that good, right?

Many of you know this summer we adopted Joshua. What a healing that was. But as I looked back on that time I was reminded of how I felt while visiting some foster homes/orphanages. 

Loving those children was like loving Luke.

So while I was holding him..

and him...

and her...

 and of course him!

It is like i'm holding (and loving) him.

I feel better writing all this. It been locked away inside waaay too long.
I know this Christmas will have something new for me.
But for now I'm hanging low.
Am I rejoicing over our Savior's birth? Oh course.
Am I excited about presents and family time? Not yet.

By the way, I could never EVER express this out loud. I don't work that way.  
(From Me, Myself, and I board)


Ruthie said...

I feel the same way about writing/talking. So sorry you have to go through this. Isn't comforting to know the the Lord has a reason in the midst of this? Merry Christmas, Emma.

Joy ~ Doodlebug ~ said...

Emma, I know I can only imagine how you're feeling, and I can't really know, but just know that I'll be praying for you and your family. This almost brings me to tears. I really can't even imagine. It scares me to even think if something had happened to our Luke before we got him.

I'm glad you started that board. Things like that always encourage me, too. Just remember that "this too shall pass." :)

God bless you! Love ya, girl! :)
Joy :)

Hannah Liz said...

I understand how you feel. This will be our first Christmas without my great aunt. She has always been a big part of our family forever. She was there every Christmas, birthday, and everything in between, and it's kind of weird to think that she won't be here this year.

I'll be praying for you. I understand you must be feeling absolutely horrible around this time. But, like all of those pins say, it will get better. God knows what you're going through, and he knows what he's doing through you and through Luke, even though he's not here anymore.

I hope you're feeling better.


Hannah Liz said...

This song made me think of you;


Jen Pogue said...

Your transparency and prose are beautiful and poetic! You know God will complete the work He has started in you! May your joy be complete this Christmas! Thank you for sharing your heart!

Jen Pogue