Where is the Joy?

So this it not an "Ooo! Merry Christmas, I love decorating and singing Christmas Carols"

Sorry, wrong post. That not what you're going to hear.

Some people might end up saying, "Oh, Emma is such a Grinch, she doesn't like Christmas." If that's you opinion, fine. However it is definitely not how I am trying to come across.  

I was waiting until 'my time of the month' was over for this because I tend to be a bit emotional. Okay VERY emotional. But I think i'm pretty good now. 

So the title says it all. I don't have the Christmas joy. Most years I can't wait to put decorations up and sing carols, all the 'stuff'. This year I'm just kinda 'blahh' about Christmas. I was kinda like, "Oh it's December.. again".

Some of you may know what happened last Christmas. Other may not know, so I'll do a little overview.

Last Christmas we had our Grandparents from Florida, (and Virginia) over. Our house and hearts were full.

However our joy was crushed when we heard Luke died the day after Christmas

Two days after the agency called us my Mom had a seizure in her sleep. 

 Not really a Happy New Year.

So now your caught up, and know all that happened last December.

Okay here is the To Be Honest section.

TBH I have a had a really difficult year.

TBH I was in a depression stage for a while.

TBH I really thought everything was over, my life had fallen apart.

I don't think you really know how it feels when someone losses a close family member unless you've experienced it for yourself. I know I never did.

It like someone takes your heart and rips out part of it.You feel this terrible emptiness.

For some it might be the memories you made together. For me the memories we'll never make together.

Never being able to tell them how much you love them. Never kissing them good-night, and comforting them when they have boo-boos. Never teaching them songs, or reading them stories. These are the things that make my heart ache. 

The ache was SO big a year ago, I thought it would never end.

And I don't think it will end. Because I still ache. Not as much as I did them, but it still hurts.

I had this dream (not joking either), and it was like in heaven, or something. I saw Luke, he was running and jumping, and laughing calling my name. It was SO incredibly sweet, and sad.

Really weird, last year during school. Everyone was at the school table and I looked over, and for a split second I like saw him. He was just sitting at the school table smiling. I'm not even kidding. It was SO weird.

  Another time I was just laying bed and he was there laying next to me. For only a second. 

Maybe I weird. And I little crazy, but it's so true. I saw him.

I've never told anyone about it though.

I started a Pinterest board the other night: Bible Versus & Words of Wisdom  

There were some pins that really spoke to me.

(From Random Board)

(From My Passion Board)

So there were a lot of them.

I guess that good, right?

Many of you know this summer we adopted Joshua. What a healing that was. But as I looked back on that time I was reminded of how I felt while visiting some foster homes/orphanages. 

Loving those children was like loving Luke.

So while I was holding him..

and him...

and her...

 and of course him!

It is like i'm holding (and loving) him.

I feel better writing all this. It been locked away inside waaay too long.

I know this Christmas will have something new for me.

But for now I'm hanging low.

Am I rejoicing over our Savior's birth? Oh course.

Am I excited about presents and family time? Not yet.

By the way, I could never EVER express this out loud. I don't work that way.  

(From Me, Myself, and I board)

If There Wasn't Enough CRAZY Stuff!

Sorry I haven't posted since "The Big News".

On Tuesday I found out I had strep, and yesterday I felt like poop.

So I haven't posted.

And let me tell ya! There's alot to post about.

First is this shirt..

"My Dad Is The Man!"

Yep, Luke had it.

And guess what Mom found at a used sale???

Ya. It's a little werid...

just a bit!

It's 3T so Josh will def. be wearing it in China!

Jehovah Saves

After Luke's death, I felt as if I had been shoved into a dark closet. Isolated, angry, and bitter. On the outside I had it all together, but on the inside I was shattered into a million pieces. Nothing made me feel better, and I didn't want to think about Luke or anything that had to do with him. Especially adoption and SN orphans. A week or two after his death, I saw an email that said we could pick up another adoption where we stopped. I was so angry with the agency. Another adoption? No child will ever fill Luke's spot.

I was afraid, I didn't want to experience that horrible heartbreak ever again. 

For those of you who follow Stefanie's blog, remember when she posted about gus? Well I really didn't think about him at all. However she posted about him again. This time with a link to watch videos. I watched the video and look at the other children. Then I saw Jake. (Password jake1) All my fears went away and I fell in love. I watched the video over and over again. However, I moved on. The next week he kept coming back to mind and I had several dreams of him being with our family. Finally I had to show someone this precious boy. So I did, but my Mom was not enthusiastic about him, at all. So I thought that was the end, just another kid who must stay orphaned. He still didn't go away, and it turned out my Mom did try to see if he was available for adoption. He was, but with another agency, and there were at least four other families waiting to view his file. There was no chance, someone was going to adopt him. That evening at church, the message: God's delay's are NOT his denials. Coincidence? I think not.
The week passed and every time I thought of someone else adopting him I felt sick. Then one Sunday Mom and Dad said they had Jake's file. My thought, Then why aren't we telling the agency we'll take him? They wanted to talk to doctors about his SN and pray. Jake's special need is Arthrogryposis. The next Sunday as my Dad and I are driving home Dad told me that they had accepted Jake's file. I was overjoyed, and not sure how to react. Before I saw Jake I was so afraid of adoption with SN. But my fears were no where when Jake was around.

While my Dad and I were driving home, my Mom called. They just moved Jake into the "Shunyi Foster Home."
He had taken Luke's spot in the foster home.


Crazy, right? Right after we accepted his file, he was transferred to Luke's foster home.
Needless to say everyone was mind-boggled for the next few days.
Luke was a super-special boy, and I think he wanted us to have Jake, he wants us to help other distressed and alone orphans.

So without further a due, I introduce to you..

My new little brother!

The Worst New Year

Whaaaa?

Yes my post title is correct. Why?

Because of events that caused it.

I've put off this post(s) for a couple months now, because I could bring myself to talk about it.

I was able to tell you about Luke death, and a couple posts about me missing him. But that was all.

So here's the real stuff, or should I say in depth story. 

Wednesday, December 28 2011

Quite frankly I remember nothing of the morning because of such a mind blowing afternoon

 Alexis (Alex), Aaron's fiance had come over because we were going buy supplies to make cake-pops because of a cook-book she had given me for Christmas. But my Mom and Grandma, and Grandpa had gone out to lunch so we were waiting for them to get home so I could leave. 

They all came home... and our adoption agency had been trying to get a hold of us. Everyone got excited be we anticipated that it was about our long awaited LOA. 

So as Alex and I watch Barbie, Nutcracker, Mom talks on the phone. 

After a minute Mom runs upstairs crying.

Alex looks at me, I began to cry and ran to the bathroom.

In my heart I knew why there were tears, but my mind would not believe what my heart was telling me. 

Luke can't die... he doesn't have a deathly need.

No! It's nothing like that!

Despite the events, Alex and I still left for the store.

While in the car she asked,

"So, is your Mom okay?"

"I have no idea, i'm not even sure what was wrong."

The entire trip my stomach had the feeling you have when you know you've done something wrong and your parents found out, or right before you get up in-front of a bunch of people. 

It would go away.

We arrive home. I sat waiting, for something, the horrible silence made my stomach all the worse. Where were Mom and Dad. Why were they keeping to themselves. Oh how I wish they had, because they came down stairs and sat us all around. 

I knew what was going to be told, and it hurt, more than any hurt I had, had before.

Luke had died. The day after my birthday! Right after my joy came sorrow. And bitter weeping. 

I physically could believe this could happen to me. Death happens but not to me, not to my brother. 

Why? After all You've done for this adoption, Why?

I was numb, broken, unable to move and to stop tears.

But I moved, to my room were I cried more. I turned the picture of Luke's face over, I could even look into his precious eyes. They eyes that were so full of life. 

I took out my DVD player and put in Dolphin Tale that I just got. 

I went to scene selection and watched the scene where a little girl in a wheel chair visits Winter.

I'm not sure why. But I did!

That night was unbearable. I spent most of it crying, and blowing my nose, then crying some more. Till I was out.

Part 2 to come!!

In Memory

Saw this today, and decided to post it for Luke!

Love Ya Little Bro!

Remembering ...

... his death a month ago yesterday.

To My Most Precious Brother

It had to come... my letter to Luke. Caution, tears may come!

Dear Luke,

I know we'll never meet face to face for now, but know that you'll never be forgotten, by me, or anyone else. It breaks my heart to know you never felt the love of a big sister, and that I never got to show it to you. However I really wasn't that far away. I know I'll see you soon, so please be waiting for me, when I come to greet you. I love you, probably more than you could imagine. You will always be with me forever in my heart and mind. 

Your very loving Jie Jie,

Emma <3

broken...

To write these words grieves my heart deeply. But I know this must have been the best thing for Luke. Luke passed away on Monday after become ill on Christmas day. The reason for his death is unknown, and that's what makes it all the more difficult. I would not have been able to write this post only a day ago, but now I am beginning to accept this difficult and heart breaking experience. Looking at his pictures makes it hard to imagine he is no longer alive and with us. His face is always filled with life and joy.

This picture was taken Christmas morning. Luke is holding all of our gifts we sent him.

I love you Luke, you've changed so many lives!

Log In Date!!!

Guess what we got yesterday? 

You guessed it!

Our LID (Log in Date)

To be honest I really don't know what that means...

but I do know it's important!!

One thing I do know is.

We're getting closer and closer to Luke

Everyday!

But to top that off Mom also got an email telling her to check

LWB (Love without boundaries) Facebook page and guess who was there??

Luke... a brand new picture!!!!!

and he is crawling?

Please tell me how a paralyzed little boy is crawling.
Not army crawling
Crawling! On his knees!
Crazy stuff!